emotional preparation for leaving Paris

Yesterday marked four weeks until I fly back to the United States. 

I've been struggling since January not to let my sadness about my impending departure from Paris impede on my enjoyment of the present. Worrying about the future instead of living in the present moment is something I've been battling against for the better part of a decade, and unfortunately it's still something that takes a lot of conscious effort, especially in this case. 

This will not be my first emotionally painful return to the US. When I had to say good-bye to my World at Play teammates in August of 2011 after two incredible months together (and facing the start of law school a week away), I cried most of the way from Cardiff to Heathrow and felt for several days like part of me had died. I also cried when I had to leave The Hague after my summer there in 2012, and while that separation wasn't ultimately as depressing, I spent the next several months trying to enjoy my life in Virginia rather than living in a constant state of nostalgia for everything and everyone in The Hague. 

Both of those returns were after only a summer of being gone. This time, I'll have been outside the US for eight whole months. I'm leaving an actual life in Paris - a network of friends I love and the places we've frequented together. And I'm at the point now where, multiple times a day, I will think about the fact that I have to leave, and I will feel my tear ducts activating or my chest constricting or my pulse quickening with mild panic. I am not someone who cries easily - if I'm crying, it's a sign that I am really upset. I haven't cried yet, but I came awfully close last Saturday night while at my favorite bar, and for most of today - perhaps because today was my last day of classes, ever - I keep having this feeling that maybe I should just go ahead and have a cry to get some of this out of my system, however temporarily. I remember the day I graduated from college; like everyone else, I felt the mixed bag of emotions: excitement and anxiety about the future and lots of sadness about the close of such a momentous and influential chapter of life. I stopped myself from crying multiple times on graduation day and somehow never got in a good cry until several months later, when one month into my intense experience as a teacher I had a miniature breakdown and sobbed - actually sobbed - for a full two hours. Given that at this point I would rank my time in Paris as more significant and more enjoyable than all four years of college, I think it is safe to say that something similar is to be expected this time. Thank God my dad will be on my flight home with me; he's either going to have to physically lead me to my seat (because I won't be able to see through my tears) or he's going to have to manhandle me onto the plane because I am refusing to leave. 

It doesn't help that I don't have much to look forward to about the summer ahead. Yes, I am incredibly lucky and get to come back to Europe - permanently - in September to start my job in London, and I keep reminding myself of that. But in the interim, I'm in for a summer that's going to have precious little fun; instead of drinking wine on the bank of the Seine or reading in a chair in the Jardin des Tuileries, I'll be stuck studying for the bar exam, trying not to join my classmates in the infectious fear of failure. To go from everything that is amazing about life in Paris to a summer of stress... that's not going to be easy. 

In the interests of recognizing and perhaps gaining some control over my emotions, I think it might be helpful to share my lists of things that I will miss about Paris (a very long list) and the things that I am trying to remind myself to be excited about in the United States (a much shorter list). 

Things that will be nice about being back in America (in no particular order):

• oh my goodness, everything will be cheaper (except my phone bill, which will jump from 20 euros/month to 95 dollars/month, with absolutely no difference in service or coverage)
• margaritas (if someone could hand me one as I get off the plane, that would be great.) 
• Mexican food, particularly burritos
• driving in my car with the windows rolled down and singing along to my iPod
• everything bagels with vegetable cream cheese
• my life-sized cardboard cutout of Captain Jack Sparrow
• iced coffee (and generally not feeling self-conscious about ordering a high-maintenance drink at Starbucks, like a grande decaf iced skinny vanilla latte)
• wearing flip-flops (no one does in Paris)
• free refills at restaurants
• Coke products that aren't 5 euros/bottle
• Trader Joe's, particularly the spinach, kale, and artichoke dip (I know I have other go-to items there... but it's been so long that I can't remember them!)
• knowing how to buy wine because the bottles are labeled according to grape
• no dog shit on the sidewalks

I could make a list of things I am not looking forward to about the US (separate from what I am sad to leave in Paris), but I'm going to leave that alone for now. 

Things that I will miss about Paris:

• walking everywhere, and more than the physical activity, the fact that the city is so lovely that you actually want to walk because it's such a delight to look at everything
• the older men in suits, scarves, and big glasses who stroll philosophically down the street
• the younger men in their slim-fitting suits and fancy, narrow-toed shoes who radiate style, power, and confidence as they navigate their way to and from work
• the wealthy women sitting at cafes and feeding their tiny dogs directly from their plates
• the metro. by far the most efficient public transportation system I've ever encountered; I'm so glad I'm not going to be living in DC this summer because I'd constantly be thinking about how awful that metro is in comparison.
• the open air markets, particularly the fish market near my house where the fish are so fresh that what you smell is the ocean they came from, not the fish themselves
• the laissez-faire approach to life. This is not unique to Paris but is always the #1 thing I mention when people ask why I prefer Europe to the United States.
• the undercurrent of sex that always seems to be present no matter where you are or what time it is. Walking around Paris is one grand experience of noticing how attractive people are and then pretending you couldn't care less... when really everyone is always looking and appreciating. Paris really does live up to that stereotype. 
• the parks. and watching the adorable old couples who stroll around them together, hand in hand. and the kids with their sailboats. and the old men playing petanque. 
• Parisian kids, who have the cutest and most stylish eyewear of any kids I've ever seen 
• croque madame and salades de chevre chaud (I've decided these are the two things I want for my last meal in Paris)
• eating chocolate for breakfast (pain au chocolat) frequently and with zero guilt 
• the water fountains throughout the city
• picnics on the Seine, and how each quai has a different culture/feel
• the calm I feel (my "anchoring") when I stand in front of Notre Dame during the quiet hours of the night
• the Eiffel Tower, anytime and from anywhere, and of course when it's sparkling
• my favorite bar here, for which I will write a separate post
• seeing people walking around with baguettes
• eating baguette as one of my main food groups
• the history everywhere - whether it's seeing buildings or streets that have figured in actual, famous events or in literature or film, or just walking around knowing most of the buildings are several centuries old
• the freshness of the food. I've spent these eight months relatively free from worrying about food-borne illness (something I'm pretty paranoid about in the US)
• the cafe culture. I just don't understand why this doesn't exist at home.
• the odd diversity yet coherence of the different areas of the city. Montmartre is completely different from my neighborhood, yet it feels like just an essential part of Paris. 
• wine and cheese. 
• the visual feast that is the displays of food in the different shops. I don't ever eat any of the beautiful pastries, but I love looking at them each day.
• my favorite view from the Pont au Change
• walking or running along the Seine
• speaking French (and a good amount of Spanish)
• the fashion. people are just so interesting to look at here, and I continue to marvel at the ability of the Parisian women to look effortlessly chic

...this is just what I've come up with in the past 20 minutes. I walk around all the time and make mental notes of things I am seeing that I know I will miss. 

I do feel slightly calmer having gotten some of this out of my system. I am going to make every effort to enjoy my remaining time here as much as possible, and to focus on the present joy of Paris rather than my forthcoming summer of stress.